O, The Oprah Magazine's Little Guide to the Big Questions

Author: The Editors of O, The Oprah Magazine

For 17 years, I spent most of my time in school doodling. I learned about cloud types and what happens to bananas when you put them in liquid nitrogen, but there were no classes on how to live this life. I wanted to know what we should do to be happy, how to make love last, and why we should keep living when we're going to leave someday. In the absence of formal guidance, I became obsessed with self-help. By constantly frequenting my mother's bookshelf, I learned about different body parts, the bad things that happened to some good people, and how "Helen Gurley Brown" had it all, and all of this made me eagerly await the changes of puberty (and I'm still waiting). After college, I entered a new, transparent phase when I read Jung's theory of archetypes; I welcomed the millennium with new beliefs about the essence of emptiness – each beautifully prepared but not satisfying, like popular fast food. As I grew older and reached the age of 40, I discovered that I was lucky; I had a wonderful husband, wonderful friends, and interesting work, but I was worried that I didn't deserve it all, or that I was ruining it, or that I would lose all the blessings surrounding me. I was an outwardly cheerful child longing to make everyone happy, but I would lie there wondering: What if the world ended? And now I am an outwardly happy adult woman doing the same, I have the rest of my life to figure things out, but the rest of my life doesn't seem long at all. Some things change quickly (the nature of my skin, the flexibility of my knee), and some things don't change at all (I've always been overweight and sensitive about it and never known the feeling of motherhood – this was my choice but it's a final decision). I haven't matured enough yet I'm getting older. My indulgence in feelings of fear and pain was not palatable because I was loved. How could I feel lost in this universe when I was drowning in blessings? I had my husband, who tolerated me when I was sick or angry or both. When I cried about the future – my future or the future of our planet, which is rapidly heading towards the abyss – he would say healing words that calmed my fear and anxiety such as: "But I am always by your side." But at 45, my problem was realizing that I might not be able to stay by his side forever.