When Sorry Isn’t Enough

Author: Jennifer Thomas

“My daughter is chronically late,” a woman told me. “She’s a wonderful girl, but she was always late for dinner at home, late for family gatherings—everything. I know it’s not serious, but I just wish that once she’d say she was sorry.” Another woman, I’ll call her Lisa, said, “I love my husband dearly, but I’m tired of repeated apologies without any change in behavior, especially when it comes to household chores. All I want is for him not to just say, ‘I’m sorry, I forgot to wipe the kitchen floor,’ but to actually remember to do it.” Jack, who was in his late 50s, had been estranged from his brother for years because his brother had defrauded him of some money. Jack said, “He never expressed any remorse for what he did. I didn’t care so much about the money, but I felt he should have made it right somehow.” Michelle recently separated from her husband, Sam, but she recognized her role in the breakdown of their marriage. So, God led her to seek reconciliation with him. She expressed, “Deep down, I believe it’s worth striving for this path that few people take.” These offenses range from minor annoyances to life-destroying events, but in each case, the relationship needs repair. Mistakes must be corrected, so where do we begin? Sarah wondered the same thing when she attended one of my marriage seminars. She approached me before the seminar began and asked, “Will you address the importance of apologizing during the seminar?” I replied, “That’s a great topic. Why do you ask?” “Well, my husband only says, ‘I’m sorry,’ and to me, that’s not an apology.” I asked her, “What do you want him to say or do?” She said, “I want him to acknowledge his mistake and ask for my forgiveness, and I also want him to assure me that it won't happen again.” Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I have conducted extensive research on the importance of effective apologies, and what we learned from that research clarified for us that Sarah is not alone in wanting to address topics such as acknowledging mistakes and seeking forgiveness. Here we find that an apology, just a word, does not mean the same thing to everyone. This is because each of us has a different “language” for apology. In this regard, Jennifer says, “I’ve seen this often when people come for counseling; for example, the wife might say, ‘I wish he would just apologize,’ and the husband responds, ‘I already apologized,’ which leads them to an argument about what the concept of apology means, and of course, each of them has different perceptions of it.” I have noticed that many couples in my office exhibit the same behavior and appear to be at odds. The supposed apology did not have the desired effect of reconciliation and forgiveness. I also recall some events I experienced in my marriage when Caroline would apologize, but I saw it as a weak apology, and in other instances when I would apologize, she would find it difficult to forgive me because she felt my apology was insincere. From this perspective, we believe that moving beyond the quick and dismissive phrase “I’m sorry” and learning how to apologize effectively can help us revive the love that gradually fades due to much pain. We also believe that when we all learn the culture of apology and understand each other’s language of apology, we will be able to dispense with boring apology methods and achieve sincerity, trust, and happiness. Each of us painfully recognizes the meaning of conflict, division, anger, and disagreements that prevail in our world today, from Washington D.C., through the countries of the Middle East, and the streets of our safe inner cities, to the seemingly safe villages of New England. Therefore, we will conclude our discussion with this question, which some may consider idealistic, but we believe holds great potential: What would the world be like if we all learned to apologize effectively? Join us as we explore what a true apology means and set your feet on the path to true forgiveness. - Dr. Gary Chapman - Dr. Jennifer Thomas