The Seven Principles for a Successful Marriage

According to most relationship books, the key to a strong marriage is communication, communication, communication. “Whew!” says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the acclaimed book *Why Marriages Succeed or Fail*. He points out that a strong, “emotionally intelligent” marriage goes beyond simply sharing one’s every feeling and thought, yet most marriage therapists overemphasize these concepts ineffectively (and costly). By studying hundreds of couples in his “Love Lab,” Gottman, director of the Gottman Institute, has found that it takes only five minutes to predict—with 91% accuracy—which couples will eventually divorce. Using sometimes amusing clips from his sessions with couples, Gottman shares the four not-so-obvious signs of troubled relationships he looks for. (A notable one is Rory, the pediatrician who, because he was too busy working, didn’t know the family dog’s name.) Gottman debunks several myths about divorce (most notably that infidelity is the cause of most breakups). He also reveals surprising truths about couples who stay together. They engage in shouting matches, but they certainly don't resolve every problem. He writes, "Take Alan and Betty. When Alan gets upset with Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty gets upset with him, she heads to the mall. Then they pick up the pieces and move on as if nothing had happened. In their 45 years of marriage, they have never sat down to have 'the talk' about their relationship." Although this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman finds that they pass the love tests and honestly say they are "very satisfied with their relationship and deeply in love with each other."