Bride of the belly

Author's name: Hind Rashid Al-Balushi

I'm in my fifties... They say darkness will one day surround me, so I decided not to surrender to their words. I waged a fierce war within myself, and every time I tried to extinguish its flames, they would suddenly reignite and suffocate me. For years, I lived as my own friend, even in my conflicts with the one I called my whole life, yet from whom I saw no life. I lived alone, caught between love and indifference with her, never at peace, lacking feelings and emotions, haunted by memories of everything within me that had been extinguished by her. Suddenly, a fragmentation descended upon me, one that needed an uprising to shake it from within, and hearts that loved me more, yearned more, and overlooked my shortcomings more and more, until they forgave me every time I failed. So I decided to listen this time, to embark on a journey of my own to reclaim myself. I'm waging a great battle with myself at this particular age so that I don't lose myself, and so that the love of things, the joys of life, and its wonder—which I rediscovered too late—don't slip away. I learned not to say yes in a chaotic world charged with contradictions, a world that devours me, imposes its will upon me, and forces me to laugh, to grieve, and to accept what I couldn't bear. So I decided to be brave, and despite the disappointments, I said "no" loudly and clearly in my fiercest battles, to heal for my own sake, even if it was too late and seemed impossible to my mother. To my paradise, to God, I wish I were the closest person to you and the furthest from them all. I am the last leech that hid inside you, and remained silent for an age about everything you love. And your heart desires it, for I sold my life for you, and I wanted to blossom in it with you by my side, applauding me, not against me. I am autumn, my complex has tormented me for years, until your absence took everyone with it and left, so my tongue became unable to speak, only my trembling hand writes what I feel! I miss you, my mother, even if you are not all my friends.